Bells for Anthy
by yra
Summary: Utena wonders who will be there at the bitter end. Companion to "Savior"


_Disclaimer: I do not own the mangas _The Adolescence of Utena,_ and_ Revolutionary Girl Utena._ I also do not own the song _Bells for Her_ by Tori Amos._

_A/N: This is more from the manga _The Adolescence of Utena,_ which is a far more mature and bizarre version of the original story. However, this fiction can apply to the original Utena, with a little creative license. This goes along with _Savior,_ and is told from Utena's point of view. The song is_ Bells for Her,_ by Tori Amos. The lyrics are denoted by ellipses and italics._

_…And through the life force and there goes her friend…_

_…On her Nishiki it's out of time…_

Where am I going?

What am I looking for?

A castle in the sky, a magical prince who saved a drowning child and kissed her tears away?

If that's what I'm doing, why am I sitting here, staring at violet hair, dark skin, a birthmark on a smooth forehead?

Don't wake up, princess. Keep sleeping, and I will guard you.

_…And through the portal they can make amends…_

_…Hey, would you say, whatever we're blanket friends…_

Don't be afraid. I won't let them hurt you.

I don't need to know why you are willing to give yourself to any who hold the Sword of Dios. I don't need to understand the duel. I don't need you to explain anything.

I just need to keep you safe. Then, maybe, I can be what I need to be.

_…Can't stop what's coming…_

_…Can't stop what is on its way…_

Breathe deep, and keep on sleeping. Are they good dreams? Is he there, the prince you need?

Am I there?

Do I want to be?

I'm in love with a man. Why am I lying beside a woman, comfortable in her scent, holding her, being held by her?

What am I doing?

Where am I going?

Will he be there, at the bitter end?

Or is it you I'm running towards?

_…And through the walls they made their mudpies…_

_…I've got your mind I said she said I've your voice…_

I don't want to be a princess.

I want to be a prince.

Can I be _your_ prince?

Can I keep you safe, and keep you close?

Would you mind a girl with pink hair for a prince?

Maybe that's not what you dream, or what I dream, but maybe that's what we both need.

_…I said you don't need my voice girl you've got your own…_

_…But you never thought it was enough…_

It's quiet now. The moon has set, the sun has not quite risen, the sky is as purple as your hair, and there is just one star shimmering in the dark. There is a glimmer in your hair, a tear fallen from my cheek. Don't wake up just yet.

I don't want to understand the duels, World's End, the Sword.

I want to understand you.

I want to know what it means to be a princess.

I want to know what it means to be a prince.

_…So they went years and years…_

_…Like sisters blanket girls…_

I tuck the blanket around your shoulders, fix the collar of your pajamas. I touch your cheek, and I see you smile. Do you know it's me, even in your sleep?

Can I do this?

Can I be a prince, a savior, a guardian?

I will try.

_…Always there through that and this…_

_…There's nothing we cannot ever fix, I said…_

You don't need him, Anthy. Not your brother, not Saionji. You are stronger than you think. You don't even need me. You can stand on your own.

But if we stand together, we are invincible, you and I.

Why can't I say this to you when you are awake?

_…Can't stop what's coming…_

_…Can't stop what is on its way…_

No matter what happens, I'm beside you.

Do you know that?

Sometimes, when you look at me, I think you know I would run through fire for you, through bullets or ice or hell itself.

But I can't tell you.

When you are awake, I feel like you are slipping from me. I don't know why I frighten you.

Are you afraid I will leave you?

Or are you afraid I won't?

_…Bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls…_

_…Brothers and lovers she and I were…_

You work a spell on me and make me weak. I can't tell you what I need to. I can't speak. All my questions you bat aside like a kitten. Underneath, I wonder if you aren't a panther.

The more I learn, the less I know you.

Why, of all the people on Earth, am _I_ your prince?

How do I keep it, this thing that I love?

How do I protect you?

_…Now she seems to be sand under his shoes…_

_…There's nothing I can do…_

What won't you do for love, Anthy?

That is what frightens me.

You control everything around you, and you will burn the world to find what you do not even truly understand, anymore than I understand you.

But…I understand what you yearn for. I have been looking for it for so long.

Akio… Touga…

_…Can't stop what's coming…_

_…Can't stop what is on its way…_

Let's run away, Anthy. Let's run and never look back. We can revolutionize the world, just you and me, one step at a time. No swords, no magic, just two girls, hand in hand.

They'll never catch us. They'll never hurt you again, Anthy.

They'll have to go through your prince first.

_…And now I speak to you are you in there…_

_…You have her face and her eyes but you are not her…_

You look at me with sleepy green eyes, and for a second, you are just Anthy, and I am just Utena, and we are just us.

Then the sun hits you, and you retreat behind your smile.

Don't go. I will keep you safe.

"Lady Utena," you say, your voice taking on that tone you use with Touga, with Saionji, with men who want you. Can't you understand, all I want from you is to be what you need?

Maybe I am the most selfish of all.

_…And we go at each other like blankets…_

_…Who can't find their thread and their bare…_

Your hands on my face are seductive, your eyes and lips offering.

Is this a test? What will happen to us if I take from you?

What can I give you to make you whole?

"Anthy," I say, pushing your hands down. "Don't."

"But Lady Utena," you breathe, coming dangerously close, your hand sliding down my neck, into my top, "I am your Bride. You dueled for me. Don't you want me?"

I want you to be you, and nothing more.

Will you never understand?

_…Can't stop…_

_…Can't stop loving…_

_…You…_

I have to thrust you away. I am shaking with rage, with humiliation for the both of us. You just smile, laying beside me, running a hand up my thigh.

You want me to take you. Is that what they do, use you?

But I'm not them.

I lean over you, and for a moment we are trapped by a curtain of pink. You look frightened as I draw closer.

I kiss your forehead, and you sigh. Is that disappointment? Relief? Or just… love?

"What am I going to do with you?" I smile, and you smile back.

_…Can't stop what's coming…_

_…Can't stop what is on its way…_

I don't care what you are, who you are.

I don't care where you go. I will go there, too. I will take you by the hand, and stand in front of you to take the blows.

You rule me, my princess, my sister, my bride.

My Anthy.

_…And I see it coming…_

_…and it's on its way…_


End file.
